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contemplating life probably

Deciding what to do with my life has been one of the hardest things for me. I’ll get an idea and then change my mind. I’ll pursue one thing, then get discouraged. Then that would bring me to get down on myself. Honestly though, I’m tired of that. I’m tired of feeling bad because I don’t have a specific plan. I want to do something that I enjoy and I want to make enough money so I don’t have to struggle. I’ve always thought of writing and singing, because I like those two things very much and I happen to be good at both. The problem with this is the lack of security. There is no guarentee that I am a good enough writer or a good enough singer or that I’ll ever be in contact with the right people. Let me just say, I am not trying to be a pessimist. This is what I consider being realistic. I am a generally positive person, but that doesn’t mean I am not realistic. I think of these kinds of things in a very logistical way even though I also feel like I am a dreamer.

So story time and if you know me then you pretty much already know this stuff, but first off I graduated highschool early and so I started college at seventeen. I had no idea what to do in college so I was going for a business degree, but never had any passion for that. So one day I looked up trade schools to see if any of them interested me and I came across dental assisting school… mostly it interested me because my older sister had mentioned dental hygiene before. So I took a tour around the dental assisting school and signed up. After 10 months and a month long externship, I landed a dental assisting job. Don’t get me wrong it wasn’t the worst thing in the world, but I didn’t love it. I worked at an office in San Diego and I’ve been through a few dental offices here in Arizona and well I don’t want to do it for the rest of my life. I’ve seen older assistants who’ve been there for decades and I knew that wasn’t what I’d want. Then I thought of maybe going into dental hygiene because the hygeniest makes a significant amount more than an assistant, but I really was not interested. I thought about it only because my sister was in the same field and I figured it was a good idea, but it is not for me. I’ve quit multiple dental jobs to realize, it is not my field. 

Alright so here I am with a student loan from something I will not be doing again. 21 years old, working at a coffee shop and absolutely no direction.

Throughout the years and even when I was a kid I’ve always wanted to write and sing and be sucessful from that. I wasn’t crazy about being famous, but I wanted to be known for my talents. I make music, I write blogs, but it isn’t good enough. There are people who want it more, there are people with more talent, there are people with lots of connections, and most importantly there are people who can fall back into safety if their dreams don’t work out. This is not my case. I don’t want to end up in an entry level job or even worse… a dental assisting job because I have a failed creative career. I want greatness and in all honesty I don’t think I have what it takes. I’ve thought of these things more recentlty as hobbies. AND if my hobbies turn out to be sucessful, say millions of people read my blog or I post my songs on tik tok and I become an influencer or blah blah then that would be super swag. But we aren’t there. 

This brings me to my present thought process which is, pick something else. I’ve felt like a victim recently. I hate to say that because I don’t like being in a victim mindset, but there has been so much against me in my life. I’ve felt like a lot of things have been unfair. Really though, I am tired of that. I want to start making things happen for myself and stop being upset about the cards I’ve been dealt or the people who have hurt me or whatever it is. I am over it. So I’m making a life change and starting to do things more for myself.

What I’ve come to find out about myself is that one of my favorite things to do is help people. I love to listen to people and I love when I have an oppurtunity to help. I read something from my work group chat recently and it was a quote saying “treat people the way they want to be treated, not the way you want to be treated” and that was weird at first because I thought you’re suppose to treat people the way you want to be treated, but then it made sense. Everyone is so unique. Of course everyone wants to be treated kindly, but come to find out that doesn’t mean everyone wants to be treated the same. That made something click for me for some reason. I enjoy hearing people and I love making people feel like they matter. Everyone deserves their voice, even if their voice doesn’t sound like mine… that does not mean they aren’t valid. I want to use my experience in life to help people feel better. See I don’t know what that means exactly for me, but it is a start. 

I am not writing this to say give up on your dreams and be more realistic. This is just for me and maybe for people who think like me. I love to dream and will continue to explore my skills and talents. Alongside with figuring out what I see for myself long term. I think it is possible to do both and I am writing this for people who think the way I do and have been conflicted with this whole career thing. I don’t think it needs as much pressure as people put on it. Find what you like. Find what you don’t like. Find what you’re good at and find out what you’re not good at. I feel like life is all about learning from beginning to end and if you’re not learning then you’ve stopped your own life. You never know what you’ll discover about yourself until you make yourself feel uncomfortable and try new things. One thing I am learning is to stop giving up when things are difficult. I tend to pull away when things are difficult, but that’s a bad habit for me. It had brought me into bad situations financially, mentally, physically. If things are hard, that means you’re growing. You’re stretching your boundaries and that’s so healthy for your brain and your life. 

I hope this encourages someone, that is all I want from this blog.


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