I wrote this a little over a month ago and didn’t feel like posting it yet, but honestly I am in such a better headspace and a better spot in life in general so here it is!
I’m going to be honest, I’ve been struggling. I’ve been having a lot more bad days than good days for a few months. I literally feel embarrassed and scared to even say that because I feel like people would be happy about it. I haven’t been able to write a blog. I’ve been journaling pretty much everyday and I try day after day to write a blog, but I feel kinda empty. Like I don’t have much to give.
I’m not trying to sound super depressed or anything like that. I just have to be honest about what is happening in my brain because I mean, I like honesty from others. I’ve been hurt a lot since I’ve been in Arizona. I’ve taken a lot of people’s burdens as my own. I’ve seen things that have changed my opinions on my beliefs. I don’t want to sound like a victim or anything like that. But I am tired of discrediting my hurt. I’ve been trying to justify my hurt, I’ve been trying to just take hits and be okay with them. The thing is, I’m allowed to feel the way I do and I’m allowed to share what I’ve been experiencing. I’ve been trying over and over to give my pain and anger and situations to God, but that doesn’t mean I’m not living through it. I can’t just give it to God and poof everything disappears. Healing is a process, even with God.
I actually don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to think. I have taken people’s words to heart all year. I actually always take words to heart because my love language is words of affirmation. Which just means words are how I show love and how love is proven to me. People usually are really sweet to me and tell me what they think about me. Honestly, it’s nice because hearing how I help people and affect their lives keeps me going. I feel like my whole life, I’ve had this personality and ability to relate and to help people and to give sound advice. I find myself in doing that. I always want to help other people. I think it is a gift and I am very grateful for it.
I never usually regret letting people in. Mostly because even if we don’t end up being close in the end, both of us get something out of it. For some reason this past year was different for me. I regret opening myself up. I regret letting people get to know me. I’ve never been more hurt by people than this past year. I think the thing that hurts me most is being hurt by people in the body of Christ. I am not at all discrediting the body because I know we should all be united, but I think that is why it has affected me so much. I realized this year, how people can give up on God or give up on church. If I didn’t know God in the intimate way I do, I would’ve had a lot of doubt. I would’ve said, “These are the people who represent God? I don’t want it.” That sounds so harsh and I get that, but I have genuinely felt that way. I feel like I need to write this or else it’ll explode inside my head.
This past year, I have doubted who I am because of people’s words. Because of people telling me who they think I am. I’ve had people call me names, things that I am not. It has made me question so much, question who I am. I’ve sat awake at night playing people’s words over in my head. I’ve done a lot of self evaluating. I’ve done a lot of repenting and asking God to reveal what I’ve done wrong. I am not perfect or blameless, but I am not what I’ve been accused of.
So after feeling like I wasn’t good enough for over a year, I’ve decided to move on.
I’ve decided to not be close with people who project onto me. I’ve decided to be more selective with people, just because they’re church people doesn’t mean I want to be close with them. I’ve decided to be myself and stop letting people’s judgement affect the way I think. I’ve decided that God is who He says he is and not who people say He is. I’ve decided to trust God’s voice and not second guess.
I have been through a lot of stuff in the past year. But I have decided that just like after I lost my mom, I will grow from the pain. The pain seems big right now, but God still is my strength. He is still on the throne and I still hear His voice. I don’t always know why things happen. I’ve wondered why all this stuff has happened, but sometimes things just happen. It doesn’t have to be a perfect story all the time. Your life doesn’t always have to be a success story because sometimes things just happen. I will grow from this time spent in Arizona and that’s what I know for sure. I will trust God more because of everything I’ve experienced, because He is taking me through it.